I hate it how the devil can make such an awesome day turn into such crap. My tendency to over think sucks. I wish that I was closer with both of my sisters. I am laying here on the couch and Rachael is on the phone with Dani. Dani never talks to me. call or anything... and my nephew either... and i haven't seen her. I feel like i am drifting away from my family because I make a stand to make god first and be set apart. I want them to see the truely happy and saved person I am BUT it is so hard when you don't even feel loved/accepted in your family..
it is at this time that the thought comes to my head....
god.."am I not enough?"
at the end of the day when death comes I will stand before him ALONE!! No one will be with me and I am accountable for my actions. I wont change or conform so that people 'like' me.. I want to be there and Him be pleased with the time that he gave me.
Devil YOU have NO DOMINION over me.. you can NOT manipulate me
that is all ... I had to type slash think that one through
The above post is from quite a few months ago. Thought it has a lot of validity to my current situation.
Typing can sometimes be the therapy I need to sort through all the things that my brain is pondering over. To see through the hurricane of my thoughts. The truth is at the end of the day when God brings us home we will stand accountable to Him alone. It won't matter if your best friend was saved and you had good talks. You can talk the talk and walk the walk but what is in the heart is what God sees. He sees the deepest fears and doubts. Only He can change from the inside out. He is the only One. How do we go about it? I have been struggling for a matter of years throughout my entire salvation to read and pray. I can honestly say I am a different person than I was before May 27, 2011. However, if a flower isn't watered it won't grow and will eventually die. The truth is that I have to admit to myself that over the past year my relationship with Christ hasn't been watered. I have been wilting and denying the truth. I may be able to talk the talk and I am not unsaved, but there is something that I have been craving. I can give wisdom to friends and insight or perspective they need in their walk with God. Why is it that I can't see the shortcomings in my own. Have I changed? Yes I would have to say that I am not the same scared person who had no hope left in this world, who wanted to end it all. I see that person beginning to creep back in. The Devil it trying to strengthen his grasp and I am not building the bricks to withstand him.
I pray that God gives me the strength to hold on. I will never stop fighting. He is the only Father I have ever had a relationship with and I am letting Him down.
He forgave me?! He forgave the person who was a sinner. I didn't deserve it. His Son died so that I could have eternal life. What am I making of the life he has given me? Being saved is good and all but what about the rest of the world. If I am so happy that I have a new life wouldn't I want to share it? What has been wrong with me? I haven't had the desire to share with anyone who wasn't saved. I barely even try to stand out at school. I WANT to the be light on the lamp stand but a light needs electricity (if it plugs in) back in the day with an oil lamp it would still need the fire. Mine has seem to dwindled being caught up and caring too much about what other people think about me when all that should matter is what God sees not anyone else.
Next to God there was one other person's opinion that mattered to me. His words stung like a bee when he told me what he really thought. I was so hurt and angry. But there is truth to his words as much as I hate to admit it. He said he saw no change in me. No spiritual change. I have found the things we get most defensive about are more than often the truth that we don't want to see. I may not be the same person as I was but I haven't been trying to make myself better either. I am saved that is the truth. I am not perfect but His grace has helped me see the truth of my failings and forgiven me. I have to forgive now too. I have to forgive the person who said the truth. I have to forgive the past. I have to learn from my mistakes and move on.
I have to forgive, move on, and completely surrender to God. Surrender. To surrender is to give oneself up, to yield to resign. It is apparent that I have failed at being in control. For some reason when I do things myself it always goes out of control in a bad way. I need to completely surrender. To give myself up to God. Everything I love, I want, I dream to have in this world. I have to give it all up. He has to be in control in order for me to grow. How can I see Him with all those things in the way blocking the view?
It is sad that it took this long for me to see the realization but I am a stubborn person (that which I want to change). Sometimes God lets us stumble so we see that we can't stand up without Him.
Psalms 126:5 "Those who sow in tears will reap in joy"
Psalms 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"
Isaiah 12:2 "Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; 'For Yah, the Lord, is my strength and song; he also has become my salvation' "
Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"
Proverbs 30:5 "Every word of God is pure; He is the shield to those who put their trust in Him"
