Hope for Things Unseen: Hope Will Lead Us On

Hope for Things Unseen: Hope Will Lead Us On: Hebrews 11:1 The hope for things unseen. This is what gets me through each day. I do not know what the future holds. I will NEVER know...

The Blessings of a Higher Power..

..LIFE!!

In my family we have a Christmas Tradition. We always watch White Christmas. I love the songs in and Rachael and I often break out in the 'Sisters, Sisters' song randomly in a store and of course embarrass mom. There is a song that the main character (played by Bing Crosby) sings that was sort of an inspiration for this post.

"When your worried and you can't sleep just count your blessing instead of sheep. and you'll fall asleep counting your blessings.."  

The first word of this post. It is explained now. LIFE.

That is the blessing! He breathed life into us. He knew us before our parents knew of us. Life is a blessing. Everyday is a blessing. What do we do with the life that he gives us?? Are we living this life to the fullest? What are we doing with His Gift?

I had an epiphany the other day. I was looking into my past. I was suicidal at one point thinking that there was nothing to live for. I thought there was no one who would ever want me and I was doomed for loneliness. The thought of being alone with myself forever not only scared me but led me to think that a life like that was not worth living. The truth is no one is ever alone. God is always with us no matter what. So the other day I was beginning to feel lonely and the devil used it as an open door. But I was ready with an angel by my side, my soldier helping me fight the battle. I was not going to let Satan make me feel depressed and sorry for myself. So I decided to count my blessings that God has given me and the ones He has used that promise me future a future of happiness. He has giving me a second chance and what am I doing with it? I thought I would share a few of the blessings..
(ps this is not in order of preference just as they come back to my mind :)

1. My Mother. She has been the rock and foundation that kept our childhood, which was filled with earthquakes, stable. She is the hero that saved the day many times for many people. She has no Supersuit. She needs no thanks. Everything she does is for others not for the recognition. Her patience is bigger than I could ever know and something that I pray to be like her. Through all the trials of life, she was the constant. We watched her treated horrible at work, the devil trying to tear down her wall of faith. BUT in truth it only made her stronger! If I could only be a fraction of the person and christian she is. There were things in her life that threw curve balls at her and she just continued on as if nothing happened but still stronger than she was before with more faith than ever. She is my one and only hero and one of my greatest blessings!! She gave birth to me and has been there for me all 21 1/2 years I have been living!! :) I am soooo blessed to have her in my life and to call HER my mommy!! :) I thank God daily for this special blessing!

2. My Salvation. Through Christ I am made new. I might not be alive today if not for Him. He never left me even when I turned my back on Him, it just made Him work harder to get my attention. The problem is that the Devil then counter attacked. I was contemplating suicide thinking that there was nothing to live for. Through Christ I have new life and a reason to live! I have been set free!! It has been a battle. Life is hard but with God he helps give us the strength to endure it. We are not perfect but he continues to teach us lessons. His grace is so amazing. He helps us learn from our mistakes so that we don't make them again. I am so thankful for the blessing of life from Him. His grace. His forgiveness  I don't deserve it but there it was. I needed to humble myself and ask for His forgiveness and He washed me clean by the Blood His Son shed on the cross. The past is gone I have a new life. Clean. White as snow. It is hard to completely comprehend it sometimes but that doesn't change how true it still is. I am so in love with Him. He brought me peace to my mind and power to defeat the devil. This life is the biggest blessing I have. I am so excited to see what He has planned for the rest of it!!

3. My Sisters. These two are the reason I am not insane. (or the reason I am in denial and really am insane). I treated them so horrible growing up. Beating up both the younger and the older. But not all the time was it like that. I have a lot of great memories with them both. Rachael and my imagination. The elaborate things that we could think up. The forts we made. The beanie baby families that to this day we still remember. The barbies and always arguing who had to voice Ken and whose barbie got to marry him haha. We have a LOT of inside jokes that we can bust up laughing in a library (or at work) and I seriously think that everyone must think we are absolutely insane. We are when we are together. Then there is Danielle. I look up to more than she will ever know. She is a great mom! Her kids adore her. Her work ethic is so admirable working to provide for her family. She has drive in school that I wish I had. She is so driven in life. Not to mention she is tough and survived boot camp!! She is the sister who I always admired but never let her know how much. I love and care for her more than she will ever truly understand. I am so blessed to have them both in my life. We are all crazy and we all complete each other and keep each of us in check. We are so much closer now that we are older. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. Plus Danielle gave me the most amazing niece and nephew anyone could ask for! They are amazing and I love them soo much! I am so lucky to be their auntie!

4. My Flesh and Blood Family. They are the only people in life who will ALWAYS love you, forgive you, and be there for you. (other than God of course). I have been blessed with a HUGE family! Like every other family we have our quirks. But in a time of need we are there for each other. I was blessed with a lot of protectors. Our family (my moms side at least) has a male majority. My mom supplies most of the females for the group. These boys like to act tough around us and in front of the other guys although deep down everyone knows that they would do anything for us Haywood females. They are all softees and would beat up anyone who hurt us. They truly do care for us. Also my dads side of the family. I am surrounded by many godly family members who inspire and encourage. The grandparents from both sides have only supported my mom through everything that happened and they really showed their love for us. My grandpa even took the father role and beat me a couple times. (not my favorite past time activity). Even though I was often the but of the jokes at family events (still am sometimes. usually the older cousins) I know that it is how they show love. I am thankful for all their teasing. It made me tough and well I have always been the clown so they helped bring me down some levels. I am thankful for the family members that I didn't have the privilege to get to really know but still love soo much. My father who I still love and care for and pray for daily. He is the reason for my love of music. My Half Brothers. They are still my flesh and blood and though we didn't get to talk for many years. I still have a relationship and a huge place in my heart for them. All of my family has blessed me in more ways than I can express. I am so thankful for all of them

5. My adopted family. There are those in my life who have become so much more than merely friends. I have many brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, grandparents, etc. There are so many I cant name them all. They are all a huge blessing in my life. They put me in my place and help teach me lessons about myself that I can't always see. Grandpa Gary is one who just loves you no matter. You mess up and he still gives you a hug. You are on a down day and he says stuff like "one of the most beautiful girls in church just walked in". He is always full of encouragement. Rachel who has laughed and cried with me. Held me and scolded me. She is in everything but blood my sister. I love her so much. My second mom Heidi. My third mom Jeanne. Brother Jeremy. The list just keeps going. There is one thing that they all have in common. They are all driven by Christ. I think that He uses people to reach others and all these people He has put especially in my life for the purpose to help my walk with Him. I am truly blessed to have SOOOO many of these 'adopted' family members. I am blown away thinking about the impact that they have had on me and my walk. For instance I might not be saved if not for Jeremy. And I know all of them were praying for me when I wasn't living right. I felt it let me tell you. There was always the conviction tearing me apart knowing the truth. God didn't let me forget because they didn't forget. They fought the battle in prayer knowing talking to me would only shut me down and hurt our friendship (I am kinda stubborn and don't like to be told what to do. I am working on it haha).

6. My Church. My Pastor. All through school peers and sometimes teachers would tell me all these horrible things about my church. I had the PRIVILEGE to be raised in this amazing Christ driven church. Turning my back on it was the stupidest thing that I ever did. Yes they sheltered me but how is that a bad thing. I would call it protecting me more than 'sheltering'. I knew the truth of God my whole life and left it to experience this so called fun. Well the fun left me feeling empty and worthless. Through Christ I have life. The church is the house of God and I don't go there to be social or to impress boys. I go to serve God. To meet with God and to hear from God through the Pastor. My church is blessed to have as its pastor the made who has inspired and reached the world  for Jesus. Who was called to by God for a purpose bigger than we can even imagine. Who hears from God more and more and whose idea and stances has created a fellowship of people with the same views: to reach the world for Christ and lead them to Jesus. I am so blessed to have been BORN into this vision and to now be a part of it! I can't even fathom how many people that my pastor has reached but he doesn't do for anyone else bit for God! :)

In all this there are so many more blessings that I could say. But the truth is that these six are the basis for all the rest. The main one being my salvation through Christ. I have been set free from the bondage of sin. I am determined to continue life never allowing myself to forget who God is my seeing what he brought me from and the blessing He has bestowed upon me that I don't deserve. The next step is to figure out what He has planned for me. What is His will for me now? What does He want me to do to further His kingdom? I just have to wait and see what the journey brings. This is an adventure that I am so excited for!! :)

I have been set free.

I have life through Him.

..LIFE!!!

Part 2 to a post from September 2011

You may be able to forgive everyone else, but what about yourself? PART 2 (PART 1 click HERE)

What is wrong with me? If I know that forgiveness is my problem you would think that it would come more easy after all the experience that I have. Nope. It is still one of the hardest things that I deal with. The hardest is forgiving myself.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result

That is exactly what I have been doing. Repeating past mistakes instead of learning from them. The struggle with forgiveness goes right along with that. The thing that I have to tell myself is that

1. If God can and did forgive me. Sent His ONLY Son to die for ME and I wasn't even born yet God knew that the Human Race needed Jesus. GOD  loved us so much that He did that for all of us. How can I DARE think that I am not worthy of forgiveness from myself or anyone when He did that for me showing me just how worthy I am.

2. In Christ I am a new creation. I am not the same Andrea I was before Christ came to live in my heart. I am a child of God. How can I slander myself when I know how deeply God loves and that He created me. I should be more ashamed of the fact I can't see myself past my mistakes when God wiped it all clean by the Blood of Jesus Christ. It like saying that His ultimate sacrifice wasn't enough. How dare I?!

God has forgiven me and now I need to move past this bump in the road and learn from it.

A quote from a song " Heal the wound but leave the scar, a reminder of how merciful You are"

This is the truth.

I have been set free. Not only from sin but from the devils hold on my insecurities. God made me the way I am for a reason. He has a purpose for me. I need to trust in Him and have faith and patience that He will show me when He knows I am ready. He knows me better than I know myself and He knows what my future holds.

Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean NOT on your own understanding - Proverbs 3:5

Trust. Hope. Faith

and know

I have been...




SET FREE!!

 

Getting through the winds of life..

I was walking outside on this beautiful spring day. I turned the corner of my house and there were the lilacs in full bloom. God's creations are so incredibly beautiful it is almost too much to fully take in. It was amazing to see that all the blossoms had survived the VERY harsh weather we have recently had to deal with. It got me thinking, what has this lilac had to endure??

We had three lilac bushes for as long as I can remember. My whole life quite possibly. They have been through late freezes, hot dry summers, crazy females who make drown it one day then forget to water it for a while and so much more. This is the one love survivor of the three. It survived the demolition of our old trailer and the placing of the new home. Through all the difficulties we have gone through in our family and life through the years this one plant was the constant. It never changed. Of course through the seasons it did but every spring there were the dependable blossoms. Colorful, vibrant and the hope that beauty comes again. Life is hard and there are the frozen months where we feel there is no beauty anymore, no more life. But then out of the cold brings the hopeful spring. In our lives we experience all the changing seasons sometimes it feels more like the cold winter but there is hope on the horizon. There will always be a spring!

We can get through the rough times in life, the cold, the winds that shake us of our feet. When it all goes away and is calmed there is the dependable spring. God telling us that there is beauty from pain and suffering  There are good things that come out of the hard times. Life might be hard but it is only going to get better. God makes sure of that. He is the dependable spring, the beautiful blooms. The hope that there is still life.

The winds rough us up but the realization is that when we stand we are so much stronger...

These thoughts made me think of pretty awesome song by Steven Curtis Chapman

"Beauty Will Rise - Steven Curtis Chapman  

It was the day the world went wrong

I screamed til my voice was goneAnd watched through the tears as everythingCame crashing down
Slowly panic turns to painAs we awake to what remainsAnd sift through the ashesThat are left behind
But buried deep beneathAll our broken dreams we have this hope

Out of these ashes beauty will rise And we will dance among the ruins We will see it with our own eyes Out of these ashes beauty will rise For we know joy is coming in the morning In the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for nowAnd let the tears come washing downAnd if you can't believe, I will believe for you
Cause I have seen the signs of springJust watch and see

Out of these ashes beauty will riseAnd we will dance among the ruinsWe will see it with our own eyesOut of these ashes beauty will rise

For we know joy is coming in the morningIn the morning
I can hear it in the distanceAnd it's not too far awayIt's the music and the laughterOf a wedding and a feastI can almost feel the hand of GodReaching for my face to wipe the tears awayYou say it's time to make everything new

Make it all new
This is our hopeThis is a promiseThis is our hopeThis is a promise
It will take our breath awayTo see the beauty that's been madeOut of the ashes, out of the ashes
It will take our breath awayTo see the beauty that He's madeOut of the ashes, out of the ashes
Out of these ashes

Beauty will riseAnd we will dance among the ruinsWe will see it with our own eyesOut of this darknessNew light will shineAnd we'll know the joy that's coming in the morningIn the morningBeauty will rise

Oh, beauty will riseOh, oh, oh, beauty will riseOh, oh, oh, beauty will riseOh, oh, oh, beauty will rise 

Do you feel you are stuck in the frozen tundra in life? Take hope with you.

 "In everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven" Ecc 3:1 

This season of hardship will end and spring a season of hope and happiness. God is in control he knows what he is doing..

Have faith. Trust God. Believe. Hope

The inspiration from a friend and song...

How do you get inspiration? what is it that inspires you?

Sometimes it takes reading something from someone random to get truly inspired. As of late I have been far too busy feeling sorry for myself than focusing on what God has done for me and when He still has planned. Thinking about how hard life has been the last year and confusing and unstable and so much more. In the words of this person though, there is not one worst day being saved that was worse than the best day as a sinner. I have come so far from where I was three years ago. I was suicidal and thought that there was no one in the world who would ever want me, a used piece of garbage that needed to be gotten rid of. Thank the Lord above that there is Divine Intervention. That there was one person who dragged me to a place I did NOT want to be. The place where God came down and in my sobbing tears I gave my life to Him asking for His forgiveness. The truth is that He saved me from myself and my self destruction. His grace and mercy is endless and through it I am still here today. The past is not to be forgotten it is something to remember but to learn from and not repeat. Another thing is that life is hard and humans aren't perfect. When we stumble He helps us back up. We have to get back up and keep moving forward! His forgiveness is endless. Now that is not saying you fall on purpose because you know he will help. That is not it at all. Its about not letting the guilt of stumbling bring you down further. He helped you up its time to keep going. That is something that I have constantly struggled with is that I have guilt and shame. But He took my shame and guilt when He died on that cross. He washed away all my sins, white as snow. I am listening to a song and God is speaking to me so much through it. 

"Love Came Down by Kari Jobe"

If my heart is overwhelmed
And I cannot hear Your voice
I hold on to what is true
Though I cannot see

If the storms of life they come
And the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith
I will believe

I'll remind myself
Of all that You've done
And the life I have
Because of Your son

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours
Lord I'm forever Yours
Mountains high or valley low
I sing out and remind my soul
I am Yours
I am forever Yours

When my heart is filled with hope
Every promise comes my way
When I feel Your hands of grace
Rest upon me

Staying desperate for You, God
Staying humble at Your feet
I will lift these hands in praise
I will believe

I'll remind myself
Of all that You've done
And the life I have
Because of Your son

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours
I am forever Yours
Mountains high or valley low
I sing out and remind my soul
I am Yours
I am forever Yours

Singing this out loud helps me remember why I am here today. Through song is how I am inspired and through some how God speaks to me. Music is a part of ever fiber of my being. I thank God that He has put that in me. I just wish I knew more so I could use it for His glory. It is definitely a work in progress. master the piano first!

If you are reading this know that God can and will save you from the place you are at. He loves you as He loves me. Also take that I am clearly insane and that I love every second of it. God has done some pretty amazing stuff in my life and He wants to do it in yours too! I pray that this can speak to someone even if i use this blog to help myself think I hope that it can help others too. It my way to sort through the massive amount of thoughts in my head. Have a great and wonderful day!!

Corner 1

"If you aren't enough without it, believe me, you'll never be enough with it" -Cool Runnings

What is that consumes our day to day lives that we feel we can't live without it? Is it a material thing? Or maybe its something connected to you in an emotional way..In any case, does it define who you are?

Another question to mull over is, how does God feel about your answer?

I have been struggling with an inward battle that I feel a lot of people can relate with me. My answer to the first question was a man, a realationship. Even after I got saved, I still felt incomplete. Now the bible says in

Genesis 2: 18-24 "And the Lord God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him." Out of the ground the Lord formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name. So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the feild. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him. And the Lord caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man" Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."

We were not created or meant to be alone. It is completely natural to want a relationship. When we think we are ready though, that is when we should see that we are not at all. God also wants to prepare us for it too. He know the right time and place.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born and time to die; a time to plant and a time to pluck what is planted; a time to kill and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to build up; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to gain and a time to lose; a time to keep and a time to throw away; a time to tear and a time to sow; a time to keep silence and a time to speak; a time to love and a time to hate; a time of war and a time of peace."

 God knows what he is doing and each season of life is a preparation for the next. So by opening my book and reading the quote from cool running I realized something about myself. I fell that I am not enough without a man but with one I will never be enough. This is because my focus isn't on God. I am not saying that I am not saved. What I am saying is that my heart has to belong to Him before it can be shared with anyone else. He has to be my best friend before a man can be. Self realization can be a tough thing. Poking and prodding at the hidden corners of ourselves is a painful process but through His grace and mercy we get through it. He shows us not to condemn us or make us feel inadequate. He shows us so that we aren't left in the darkness. So that He can reside in every part of us, so that our surrender is COMPLETE. By working through the poking and prodding we are able to grow. To grow closer to Him, in our faith, and into a more mature christian. They say that some newly saved is a like a child and needs help to be guided. Allowing the corners to be lit is a way for us to become 'adult' christians.

So my corner for today has been the addiction to a relationship. I want a love story that God writes. I have to give Him the pen. If I want to be swept off my feet one day I have to give up the broom. I know He has a plan for my life. This lesson teaches me not only that I have a dark corner but also in some other areas I lack. Faith. Trust. Patience. All those He is trying to teach me as well.

So for you ask yourself. What do you live for everyday that you may place above God? Is there a corner of you heart that you are trying not to let go of? How much more could God move in your life if you would only let Him into ALL of it?

This is not an easy lesson. In the end greater is the reward.

The Old and the New

I hate it how the devil can make such an awesome day turn into such crap. My tendency to over think sucks. I wish that I was closer with both of my sisters. I am laying here on the couch and Rachael is on the phone with Dani. Dani never talks to me. call or anything... and my nephew either... and i haven't seen her. I feel like i am drifting away from my family because I make a stand to make god first and be set apart. I want them to see the truely happy and saved person I am BUT it is so hard when you don't even feel loved/accepted in your family..

it is at this time that the thought comes to my head....

god.."am I not enough?"

at the end of the day when death comes I will stand before him ALONE!! No one will be with me and I am accountable for my actions. I wont change or conform so that people 'like' me.. I want to be there and Him be pleased with the time that he gave me.

Devil YOU have NO DOMINION over me.. you can NOT manipulate me


that is all ... I had to type slash think that one through



The above post is from quite a few months ago. Thought it has a lot of validity to my current situation.

Typing can sometimes be the therapy I need to sort through all the things that my brain is pondering over. To see through the hurricane of my thoughts. The truth is at the end of the day when God brings us home we will stand accountable to Him alone. It won't matter if your best friend was saved and you had good talks. You can talk the talk and walk the walk but what is in the heart is what God sees. He sees the deepest fears and doubts. Only He can change from the inside out. He is the only One. How do we go about it? I have been struggling for a matter of years throughout my entire salvation to read and pray. I can honestly say I am a different person than I was before May 27, 2011. However, if a flower isn't watered it won't grow and will eventually die. The truth is that I have to admit to myself that over the past year my relationship with Christ hasn't been watered. I have been wilting and denying the truth. I may be able to talk the talk and I am not unsaved, but there is something that I have been craving. I can give wisdom to friends and insight or perspective they need in their walk with God. Why is it that I can't see the shortcomings in my own. Have I changed? Yes I would have to say that I am not the same scared person who had no hope left in this world, who wanted to end it all. I see that person beginning to creep back in. The Devil it trying to strengthen his grasp and I am not building the bricks to withstand him.

I pray that God gives me the strength to hold on. I will never stop fighting. He is the only Father I have ever had a relationship with and I am letting Him down.

He forgave me?! He forgave the person who was a sinner. I didn't deserve it. His Son died so that I could have eternal life. What am I making of the life he has given me? Being saved is good and all but what about the rest of the world. If I am so happy that I have a new life wouldn't I want to share it? What has been wrong with me? I haven't had the desire to share with anyone who wasn't saved. I barely even try to stand out at school. I WANT to the be light on the lamp stand but a light needs electricity (if it plugs in) back in the day with an oil lamp it would still need the fire. Mine has seem to dwindled being caught up and caring too much about what other people think about me when all that should matter is what God sees not anyone else.

Next to God there was one other person's opinion that mattered to me. His words stung like a bee when he told me what he really thought. I was so hurt and angry. But there is truth to his words as much as I hate to admit it. He said he saw no change in me. No spiritual change. I have found the things we get most defensive about are more than often the truth that we don't want to see. I may not be the same person as I was but I haven't been trying to make myself better either. I am saved that is the truth. I am not perfect but His grace has helped me see the truth of my failings and forgiven me. I have to forgive now too. I have to forgive the person who said the truth. I have to forgive the past. I have to learn from my mistakes and move on.

I have to forgive, move on, and completely surrender to God. Surrender. To surrender is to give oneself up, to yield  to resign. It is apparent that I have failed at being in control. For some reason when I do things myself it always goes out of control in a bad way. I need to completely surrender. To give myself up to God. Everything I love, I want, I dream to have in this world. I have to give it all up. He has to be in control in order for me to grow. How can I see Him with all those things in the way blocking the view?

It is sad that it took this long for me to see the realization but I am a stubborn person (that which I want to change). Sometimes God lets us stumble so we see that we can't stand up without Him.

Psalms 126:5 "Those who sow in tears will reap in joy"
Psalms 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"
Isaiah 12:2 "Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; 'For Yah, the Lord, is my strength and song; he also has become my salvation' "

Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"
Proverbs 30:5 "Every word of God is pure; He is the shield to those who put their trust in Him"

All I know is that it is one of those nights that my mind is so full that I can't sleep. I cant seem to get my mind to stop whirling. There is so much I am thinking about I can't pin point just one thing to think about it is killing me.  I have been meaning to write some poems that I can find a way to create into songs. I guess I am starting tonight. maybe then I will be able to sleep..

Wish me luck!!

You may be able to forgive everyone else, but what about yourself??

So it has been an issue that I have been having for a while. If I sit for an extended period of time my back starts killing me and I am constantly shifting and popping it. Well today, my leg/ hip joint area (really hard to describe and area where the pain is) anyways it REALLY started to hurt. I went and got prayed for after church and pastor had me speak forgiveness to those who wronged me. Now if you know me and have read up on this particular blog, you know that I have had a difficult battle with forgiveness. It is probably true that it is not just me, I am sure everyone has that issue. In my case, it has been an almost lifetime battle. From my father to my 'ex's'.

The past four months that I have been living for the Redeemer. By His grace I have been set free. I have had a really hard time dealing with my past. For instance, I saw one of the 'ex's' and found out he moved to HERE and was going to MY school. Ok, ok I don't own the school but I moved from Phoenix so that I could get away from my problems and start fresh with God. But that is exactly it, I RAN AWAY. I had to realize that like Adam and Eve, I could't run away from what I had done. Like they had to get up and face God's punishment, I had to deal with the consequences of what I had done. I had to face it and mentally, spiritually, emotionally and FORCE myself to get over it. Talking to one of my best friend's helped me see it all from another perspective and that helped a lot. So with His strength I am able to lean on Him and get through all that. I can face it, because I don't want to let my past run my life. If I allow that, what was the point of ever moving. I am living a NEW life following the Creator. My past and the devil do not dictate how I feel and what happens to me. Not anymore! With that said I have been able to forgive them and just move on and keep them all in my prayers.

I know that might have gone slightly off topic but it leads up to what where I was going with the pains in my body. Pastor had me speak I forgive those who wronged me. I do. I forgive them all as hard as it is for my brain to wrap around, in my heart I do! But walking away I still hurt. Now I know its not Pastor because I mean really, we are talking about Pastor Mitchell here. So that left me and God. Well God FORGAVE me for all the stupid things that I did, I know there is no way he would just not heal me. So guess who that leaves, yeah that is right ME. So the drive home I zone out in ponder and think what did I do that would keep the pain? what does it mean? Am I not forgiving enough?! Do I not forgive them and just say it as an effort to convince myself. No, I DO forgive them. Its in the past. I learned from it. So then what could it be?! It was at that moment that it hit me. I may have forgiven those who called me so many wrongs BUT did I forgive myself?

That is one the thing when I was unsaved I struggled so much with. I would look in the mirror and see something so worthless, and filled with guilt and regret. I hated my reflection. It was only after the grace of God made me clean that I realized in His eyes I was more precious that diamonds. He loves me so much and just wants to see me happy and following Him. He doesn't set rules for His followers to hurt us but to protect us. Even after breaking them all, He just wanted to hold me and make me feel better. I had to go to Him for the help. He holds us and lets us just cry out all our fears, and hurts and He replaces them with the joy and happiness as we are there surrounded by His comforting. Now if God can send His ONLY son to die a painful and horrible death on a cross for me. For ME!!! so that I (worthless me) could be forgiven and live eternally with Him in heaven. If He would do ALL that forgive me and clean me. Why can't I do the same to myself?!

I was the one who caused all my issues and problems. It was my fault that what happened to me happened. But the BLOOD OF JESUS cleaned me. SET ME FREE!!! I can't put His blood on the judgment stand and in my own head not believe that it worked. Trust me it worked. I am a changed person from the inside and out. I am NOT the same person I was. There is nothing to forgive because there is no one to forgive. That person that caused all those problems is not here anymore. I am a complete different person.

BY HIS GRACE

I AM NEW

I HAVE BEEN SET FREE!!!

(just an epiphany and brain ponder that I thought I would share)

Could you give up your future?

Now I can tell you one thing is for certain. I am a huge planner. I over think a LOT. It is something that I have accustomed to doing, it is a part of what makes me who I am. . I live through the goals of the future, as a way to get through the trials of today. Now how can a person who can sit and ponder about things that have not or might not ever happen be willing to give that future to someone else?

I was sitting in the foyer in building 15 at Yavapai College, where I sit every morning waiting for my classes to start. There is this book that I have been reading that was given to me by a person who, all except blood, is my sister. Now this book has challenges to read from the Bible at the end of every chapter. Today was Genesis 22.

This is a story that, having grown up in church, I had heard and read multiple times in my life. It is the story of Abraham and his son Issac. God told Abraham to go up to the region of Moriah and take his son whom he loves and sacrifice him on an alter to Him. Abraham did just that. He took his son there and Issac was tied up Abraham about to kill Him when and angel of God talks to him again. He was testing his love for his Heavenly Father, and Abraham turned and saw a ram and Issac and Abraham sacrificed the ram instead.

As I read this my mind was whirling and deep in ponder. Not many times before have I read His word and got a lot more out of it than the surface meaning.

1. First in this scripture it tells of how Abraham was willing to give up his son to God. I had to wonder when it comes down to it that what am I willing to give up for God?

2. Abraham tells his son 'God will provide for the sacrifice' when Issac asks why they have nothing with them to sacrifice.Why doesn't Abraham tell his son what God had told him to do. If it was me I know that my head would have been wandering a thousand miles a minute both good and bad. But Abraham gave Issac affirmation to trust God. He calmed Issac's fears and worries. Abraham was showing Issac, no matter what road even if its despair, trust in God.
   Then look at it from Abraham's perspective. Imagine what must have been going through his mind. He was guiding his one and only son up to his death. Still Abraham knew that God was in control.Abraham trusted God so much that he knew He still had a plan. God is there to guide us. Abraham had to trust him.

3. Laying down tied up on an alter with your father standing over you about to sacrifice you would probably scare the life out of you. But Issac was ok. Even if it feels like all hope is lost, God still protects. He protected Issac.

4. Even though there seemed to be nothing around, God provided them with a sacrifice. God will provide. In the circumstances that seem to be hopeless He comes through.

Abraham went on to be the father of many nations.

What would it be like to have the faith of Abraham?

Now all those are awesome to be able to sit and ponder over. It makes me feel good to know how many things are possible if I will only trust Him completely.

However the thing that stuck out the most was that Abraham was willing to give up His only son.  Yeah you must be thinking uh duh you have said that many times!! But think that was his only son. It was a miracle that in his old age Sarah had Issac. Parents live on through their decedents. In this day an age it is how someone is formed through half the genes of one parent and half from the other. But a man's name and the name of his father before him is passed on through the son. The land goes to the son. All things are passed from father to son. By Abraham being willing to give up his only son to God, he was willing to give up his future.

The thought of giving up my future scares me, but do I have faith and trust in God enough to give Him all of my future? He is going to protect and provide. I have to trust Him and give Him all of my future every aspect of it.

If you were in Abraham's shoes

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO GIVE GOD YOUR FUTURE??

a look into the change

I was sitting in church the other day and an epiphany came to me .

As much as every part of me wishes I could go back into time and change what happened. To forget the past. As much as it hurts to remember it all. I NEVER want to erase it. It is what has made and shaped me into who I am today. The wounds they hurt. But the scars remind me. I don't ever want to go back.He is the only One worth living for and the only One, in my search that I had for love, that truly loves me.

The last year where I fell down lower than I could of ever imagined. The truth is to look at an even bigger picture to help the healing process.
1. One year of my almost 20 is 2% of my life. Not a real big number and only growing smaller as every second passes.
2. I get to live forever in a matter of speaking. Because of His grace and death on the cross and my surrender to Him and the power of redemption, I get to live in heaven with Him eternally. Which is longer than forever. So one year of forever is, well very insignificant.
3. The year will be my physical past. and it may stay in my memory and leave scars that will never be erased. But my spiritual past was wiped clean. Through the eyes of God I have been made as white as snow. In the end that is all that matters. The way others see me is insignificant. He sees me as a child come home. The prodigal. In the end, being set free is all that matters.

the stress to not stress

I find it humorous that I misplace my money backup plan. It is as if God is like.. 'What do you not fully trust me that you fell you need a back up plan?'. So I am try to just give it to Him and let it be in His hands. I tell you what though that is not easy.

I have been kept on my toes the last few weeks. School causing havoc and money mayhem. It is the hardest thing to completely give it all to God hands down.

I know He knows what He is doing and that it is all in His control.

cousin innocent cuteness

Devin- "cant you wear your contacts"
Me- "yeah why?"
D- "cuz then you'll be cute"
Me- "What are you saying I am not cute with glasses?"
D- "Your are still cute with glasses'
Me- "oh i see how it is :P "
D- "its just your contacts makes your makups pops"

oh man toooo cute i love him :)

flashback

I had to fall before I could realize I had been only crawling.
Barely sliding by on the fence between salvation and sin.

Knowing which side I wanted to be on but holding back.

He saw right through me.
To the truth behind the deceit.
He can see through the mask.

Face on the ground He reached down to touch me.
Straight to my soul.

He cleansed me.

He made me whole.

He helped me up of the ground.
I may stumble but He is by my side to help me

He never left me.

He'll NEVER leave me.

I see it all now.

I had to fall to look up
See how far down I already was.

I looked up and saw the truth

Him

He saved me.

I have been set free.

sooo yeah ...

All I know is that a good friend of mine made my night this evening.

Everyday I have had to keep telling myself, "The decision that I have made to move will benefit me and allow me to keep my salvation. It doesn't matter those who persecute and don't approve of my choice. I know that He has a plan for me, I just have to have faith and trust in Him. He already has my heart and my life, the least I can do is trust in Him." Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding


Well anyways, this friend looked at me point blank and told me. God still has a plan for you! 

I had to choke back the tears, I know what I plan seems to be a mistake. But I ALSO know my mom raised me so well, that grown up I would be able to make the right choices. And I truly believe that this is where I belong.

My friend doesn't even know how much he made my day. I love being encouraged. It's like God knows when we need it the most. Trust me, is has been one of those weekends that I felt very down and not had faith in my decision at all. What I needed most was encouragement and reassurance from Him that I was making the right choice. In those few words I feel my prayer was answered. Thank You God for always knowing the deepest part of my heart that is hidden from everyone else. Thank you for knowing me so incredibly well that You know just the words to say to me! I love you with all my heart, soul, and life!

life and all its hills..

Yeah I decided to get out of Phoenix for the weekend. The whole week I have felt pretty alone. My roommates seem to be mad at me and they are all ignoring me. Also, I don't know I feel like all the people I thought were friends won't talk to me either. It's not like I did something wrong, if anything what I did was finally right.

I don't know I just needed to get away and come to Prescott.

So I surprised my mom and it was not the welcome I expected.

Oh well I know I always have God. I get to go to One80 this weekend and church so I am happy with that. :)

hmmmm the ponders continue

So yeah today I added one and one together; for being a math nerd I never got two before now.

1. I LOVE righting poems haven't done it in a while but they are so much fun and let me be as creative as I want to be. They have no rules (unless I want them too) and I can say what I want straight from well my heart soul and mind.

1. I LOVE singing and all things music. It is way that lets me be me. I express myself and my moderately good voice doesn't matter. The singing is the way that I feel free.

2. UH DUH!!! combine them. Poems are like lyrics. I could easily write my own songs! hmmm yeah it just hit me! ok ok when I say easily I mean the lyric part the music and combining it all will take a LOT of time, practice, patience and prayer. But I can use it as a tool to not only let myself get closer to God but also as a tool to bring others to Him as well.

Don't you just love epiphany's :)

now all I need to do is get a guitar haha.. and get the piano tuned.. and learn my bass..learn it all actually..
(yeah I am going to be pretty busy for a while! )

its weird how the whole pondering thing works

It is weird.

I mean just a little over five days ago I thought I was doomed and I was worth nothing. However, the most almighty God forgave ME. ME?! I was sitting there during the alter call and the devil's grasp of my heart was becoming looser and looser as God began to take His child back. For far too long the devil had been feeding lies into my heart but I believed every single one. I thought I would never be worth anything and that I would never be loved or feel love. All I saw was a dirty person that no one would ever want. I would look in the mirror and not know who was in the reflection. Was this what I was doomed to be? A person with a mask. No one knew the real me; I lied to even those who I thought were my best friends. I thought it was better than being alone. The truth is I was NEVER alone. God wouldn't give up on me. My family (in Christ) wouldn't give up on me.

It weird how when God wasn't directing my life, when I wasn't following His plan, that I knew exactly what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. Not anymore. I don't have any idea where my life is headed. Ok, I know of one place that it is for sure to go and that is to heaven to live eternally with Him. But what is His plan for  my life on Earth? For once I am not in control, not that you can count to what I was before as 'in control', but still I feel like I am walking through a dark room with my hands out in front of me itching forward a little at a time for fear that I might stumble. The truth I have to keep telling myself is that God is leading me. I am not blind. He has my hand and knows where he is taking me even if I can't see it yet.

He has a plan, a path. But I had to make the choice to follow it; to follow Him. Because of His Grace I now have a future. I no longer look in the mirror and see nothing I see me. Who that me is I am going to get to know better but at least I know I am not alone. I will never be alone. Before I felt that I would never be worth anything to any man. But I now know God has a different plan; we weren't created to live alone. By no means am I ready for anything any time in the future, I have much growing to do spiritually and a lot more healing to do emotionally. But still there is hope one day He will send me the most perfect person for me! I have faith and hope and for now that is all I need. First He has to become my best friend before any man can.

Its weird how much emotionally draining living for yourself and in sin can be. Even now I still struggle with the belief that I am worth it. It is at those points that I force myself to look in the mirror and say "HOW DARE YOU question whether or not the blood Jesus shed on the cross would be able to clean you? He died so that no matter what YOU could have a new and eternal life. HOW DARE YOU say that you , the daughter of the almighty God is worthless! He created YOU. HE made YOU! He obviously thought you were worth it by creating you! HE loves you more than anyone can or ever will." It is a realization that even as I type it it still bring tears to my eyes. But happy and thankful tears! God has forgiven me. The devil LOST! As much as he thought those thought would ruin me, well they did, but God would not let it happen. HE has always had a bigger plan for me.

It's weird how those who were raised in a broken home, like me, feel that there is no one who can replace or refill the whole that growing up caused. In my case my dad not being around. I was stupid because my father had never left. MY heavenly father the one who created me was always there. I let the 'daddy issues' as I call them rule my life. The truth is that they were just an excuse to give my sin. I mean i couldn't blame me because that would mean something was wrong with me. The truth is that it was my fault! I had to make the choice to change. I had to ADMIT that I was wrong. It's actually quite humbling saying that you need to change and you are wring and asking for forgiveness. That is all that God asks us to do. He wants to forgive but you have to be willing to change. It takes more than just a prayer too! You have to live your part. Pray everyday and read your bible. THAT is how HE gets closer to you and you get closer to Him. Without it there is no way you can last. It feeds the Holy Spirit that is living inside you.

All I know is that I am so incredibly thankful that God forgave me! That by His grace I know I am made new and set free. I HAVE BEEN SET FREE.

oh man .....

it is REALLY hard!!!.. I feel as though I have one thing that I have to do.. but then the other thing I could do I try convincing myself I could last when in all reality I am pretty sure that is a lie.

so in the end

when I look back I don't want anything to be worth giving up my salvation.

eternity or... (the issue that is causing decisions to be hard)??

help me God...

the road i chose

I gave all my heart and life to the heavenly father! I was filled with the Holy Ghost and was baptized :) .. I am done falling!! It is all uphill from here :) ..

"I took the road less traveled by, and that will make all the difference"