You may be able to forgive everyone else, but what about yourself??

So it has been an issue that I have been having for a while. If I sit for an extended period of time my back starts killing me and I am constantly shifting and popping it. Well today, my leg/ hip joint area (really hard to describe and area where the pain is) anyways it REALLY started to hurt. I went and got prayed for after church and pastor had me speak forgiveness to those who wronged me. Now if you know me and have read up on this particular blog, you know that I have had a difficult battle with forgiveness. It is probably true that it is not just me, I am sure everyone has that issue. In my case, it has been an almost lifetime battle. From my father to my 'ex's'.

The past four months that I have been living for the Redeemer. By His grace I have been set free. I have had a really hard time dealing with my past. For instance, I saw one of the 'ex's' and found out he moved to HERE and was going to MY school. Ok, ok I don't own the school but I moved from Phoenix so that I could get away from my problems and start fresh with God. But that is exactly it, I RAN AWAY. I had to realize that like Adam and Eve, I could't run away from what I had done. Like they had to get up and face God's punishment, I had to deal with the consequences of what I had done. I had to face it and mentally, spiritually, emotionally and FORCE myself to get over it. Talking to one of my best friend's helped me see it all from another perspective and that helped a lot. So with His strength I am able to lean on Him and get through all that. I can face it, because I don't want to let my past run my life. If I allow that, what was the point of ever moving. I am living a NEW life following the Creator. My past and the devil do not dictate how I feel and what happens to me. Not anymore! With that said I have been able to forgive them and just move on and keep them all in my prayers.

I know that might have gone slightly off topic but it leads up to what where I was going with the pains in my body. Pastor had me speak I forgive those who wronged me. I do. I forgive them all as hard as it is for my brain to wrap around, in my heart I do! But walking away I still hurt. Now I know its not Pastor because I mean really, we are talking about Pastor Mitchell here. So that left me and God. Well God FORGAVE me for all the stupid things that I did, I know there is no way he would just not heal me. So guess who that leaves, yeah that is right ME. So the drive home I zone out in ponder and think what did I do that would keep the pain? what does it mean? Am I not forgiving enough?! Do I not forgive them and just say it as an effort to convince myself. No, I DO forgive them. Its in the past. I learned from it. So then what could it be?! It was at that moment that it hit me. I may have forgiven those who called me so many wrongs BUT did I forgive myself?

That is one the thing when I was unsaved I struggled so much with. I would look in the mirror and see something so worthless, and filled with guilt and regret. I hated my reflection. It was only after the grace of God made me clean that I realized in His eyes I was more precious that diamonds. He loves me so much and just wants to see me happy and following Him. He doesn't set rules for His followers to hurt us but to protect us. Even after breaking them all, He just wanted to hold me and make me feel better. I had to go to Him for the help. He holds us and lets us just cry out all our fears, and hurts and He replaces them with the joy and happiness as we are there surrounded by His comforting. Now if God can send His ONLY son to die a painful and horrible death on a cross for me. For ME!!! so that I (worthless me) could be forgiven and live eternally with Him in heaven. If He would do ALL that forgive me and clean me. Why can't I do the same to myself?!

I was the one who caused all my issues and problems. It was my fault that what happened to me happened. But the BLOOD OF JESUS cleaned me. SET ME FREE!!! I can't put His blood on the judgment stand and in my own head not believe that it worked. Trust me it worked. I am a changed person from the inside and out. I am NOT the same person I was. There is nothing to forgive because there is no one to forgive. That person that caused all those problems is not here anymore. I am a complete different person.

BY HIS GRACE

I AM NEW

I HAVE BEEN SET FREE!!!

(just an epiphany and brain ponder that I thought I would share)