All I know is that a good friend of mine made my night this evening.
Everyday I have had to keep telling myself, "The decision that I have made to move will benefit me and allow me to keep my salvation. It doesn't matter those who persecute and don't approve of my choice. I know that He has a plan for me, I just have to have faith and trust in Him. He already has my heart and my life, the least I can do is trust in Him." Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
Well anyways, this friend looked at me point blank and told me. God still has a plan for you!
I had to choke back the tears, I know what I plan seems to be a mistake. But I ALSO know my mom raised me so well, that grown up I would be able to make the right choices. And I truly believe that this is where I belong.
My friend doesn't even know how much he made my day. I love being encouraged. It's like God knows when we need it the most. Trust me, is has been one of those weekends that I felt very down and not had faith in my decision at all. What I needed most was encouragement and reassurance from Him that I was making the right choice. In those few words I feel my prayer was answered. Thank You God for always knowing the deepest part of my heart that is hidden from everyone else. Thank you for knowing me so incredibly well that You know just the words to say to me! I love you with all my heart, soul, and life!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
life and all its hills..
Yeah I decided to get out of Phoenix for the weekend. The whole week I have felt pretty alone. My roommates seem to be mad at me and they are all ignoring me. Also, I don't know I feel like all the people I thought were friends won't talk to me either. It's not like I did something wrong, if anything what I did was finally right.
I don't know I just needed to get away and come to Prescott.
So I surprised my mom and it was not the welcome I expected.
Oh well I know I always have God. I get to go to One80 this weekend and church so I am happy with that. :)
I don't know I just needed to get away and come to Prescott.
So I surprised my mom and it was not the welcome I expected.
Oh well I know I always have God. I get to go to One80 this weekend and church so I am happy with that. :)
Thursday, June 2, 2011
hmmmm the ponders continue
So yeah today I added one and one together; for being a math nerd I never got two before now.
1. I LOVE righting poems haven't done it in a while but they are so much fun and let me be as creative as I want to be. They have no rules (unless I want them too) and I can say what I want straight from well my heart soul and mind.
1. I LOVE singing and all things music. It is way that lets me be me. I express myself and my moderately good voice doesn't matter. The singing is the way that I feel free.
2. UH DUH!!! combine them. Poems are like lyrics. I could easily write my own songs! hmmm yeah it just hit me! ok ok when I say easily I mean the lyric part the music and combining it all will take a LOT of time, practice, patience and prayer. But I can use it as a tool to not only let myself get closer to God but also as a tool to bring others to Him as well.
Don't you just love epiphany's :)
now all I need to do is get a guitar haha.. and get the piano tuned.. and learn my bass..learn it all actually..
(yeah I am going to be pretty busy for a while! )
1. I LOVE righting poems haven't done it in a while but they are so much fun and let me be as creative as I want to be. They have no rules (unless I want them too) and I can say what I want straight from well my heart soul and mind.
1. I LOVE singing and all things music. It is way that lets me be me. I express myself and my moderately good voice doesn't matter. The singing is the way that I feel free.
2. UH DUH!!! combine them. Poems are like lyrics. I could easily write my own songs! hmmm yeah it just hit me! ok ok when I say easily I mean the lyric part the music and combining it all will take a LOT of time, practice, patience and prayer. But I can use it as a tool to not only let myself get closer to God but also as a tool to bring others to Him as well.
Don't you just love epiphany's :)
now all I need to do is get a guitar haha.. and get the piano tuned.. and learn my bass..learn it all actually..
(yeah I am going to be pretty busy for a while! )
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
its weird how the whole pondering thing works
It is weird.
I mean just a little over five days ago I thought I was doomed and I was worth nothing. However, the most almighty God forgave ME. ME?! I was sitting there during the alter call and the devil's grasp of my heart was becoming looser and looser as God began to take His child back. For far too long the devil had been feeding lies into my heart but I believed every single one. I thought I would never be worth anything and that I would never be loved or feel love. All I saw was a dirty person that no one would ever want. I would look in the mirror and not know who was in the reflection. Was this what I was doomed to be? A person with a mask. No one knew the real me; I lied to even those who I thought were my best friends. I thought it was better than being alone. The truth is I was NEVER alone. God wouldn't give up on me. My family (in Christ) wouldn't give up on me.
It weird how when God wasn't directing my life, when I wasn't following His plan, that I knew exactly what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. Not anymore. I don't have any idea where my life is headed. Ok, I know of one place that it is for sure to go and that is to heaven to live eternally with Him. But what is His plan for my life on Earth? For once I am not in control, not that you can count to what I was before as 'in control', but still I feel like I am walking through a dark room with my hands out in front of me itching forward a little at a time for fear that I might stumble. The truth I have to keep telling myself is that God is leading me. I am not blind. He has my hand and knows where he is taking me even if I can't see it yet.
He has a plan, a path. But I had to make the choice to follow it; to follow Him. Because of His Grace I now have a future. I no longer look in the mirror and see nothing I see me. Who that me is I am going to get to know better but at least I know I am not alone. I will never be alone. Before I felt that I would never be worth anything to any man. But I now know God has a different plan; we weren't created to live alone. By no means am I ready for anything any time in the future, I have much growing to do spiritually and a lot more healing to do emotionally. But still there is hope one day He will send me the most perfect person for me! I have faith and hope and for now that is all I need. First He has to become my best friend before any man can.
Its weird how much emotionally draining living for yourself and in sin can be. Even now I still struggle with the belief that I am worth it. It is at those points that I force myself to look in the mirror and say "HOW DARE YOU question whether or not the blood Jesus shed on the cross would be able to clean you? He died so that no matter what YOU could have a new and eternal life. HOW DARE YOU say that you , the daughter of the almighty God is worthless! He created YOU. HE made YOU! He obviously thought you were worth it by creating you! HE loves you more than anyone can or ever will." It is a realization that even as I type it it still bring tears to my eyes. But happy and thankful tears! God has forgiven me. The devil LOST! As much as he thought those thought would ruin me, well they did, but God would not let it happen. HE has always had a bigger plan for me.
It's weird how those who were raised in a broken home, like me, feel that there is no one who can replace or refill the whole that growing up caused. In my case my dad not being around. I was stupid because my father had never left. MY heavenly father the one who created me was always there. I let the 'daddy issues' as I call them rule my life. The truth is that they were just an excuse to give my sin. I mean i couldn't blame me because that would mean something was wrong with me. The truth is that it was my fault! I had to make the choice to change. I had to ADMIT that I was wrong. It's actually quite humbling saying that you need to change and you are wring and asking for forgiveness. That is all that God asks us to do. He wants to forgive but you have to be willing to change. It takes more than just a prayer too! You have to live your part. Pray everyday and read your bible. THAT is how HE gets closer to you and you get closer to Him. Without it there is no way you can last. It feeds the Holy Spirit that is living inside you.
All I know is that I am so incredibly thankful that God forgave me! That by His grace I know I am made new and set free. I HAVE BEEN SET FREE.
I mean just a little over five days ago I thought I was doomed and I was worth nothing. However, the most almighty God forgave ME. ME?! I was sitting there during the alter call and the devil's grasp of my heart was becoming looser and looser as God began to take His child back. For far too long the devil had been feeding lies into my heart but I believed every single one. I thought I would never be worth anything and that I would never be loved or feel love. All I saw was a dirty person that no one would ever want. I would look in the mirror and not know who was in the reflection. Was this what I was doomed to be? A person with a mask. No one knew the real me; I lied to even those who I thought were my best friends. I thought it was better than being alone. The truth is I was NEVER alone. God wouldn't give up on me. My family (in Christ) wouldn't give up on me.
It weird how when God wasn't directing my life, when I wasn't following His plan, that I knew exactly what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. Not anymore. I don't have any idea where my life is headed. Ok, I know of one place that it is for sure to go and that is to heaven to live eternally with Him. But what is His plan for my life on Earth? For once I am not in control, not that you can count to what I was before as 'in control', but still I feel like I am walking through a dark room with my hands out in front of me itching forward a little at a time for fear that I might stumble. The truth I have to keep telling myself is that God is leading me. I am not blind. He has my hand and knows where he is taking me even if I can't see it yet.
He has a plan, a path. But I had to make the choice to follow it; to follow Him. Because of His Grace I now have a future. I no longer look in the mirror and see nothing I see me. Who that me is I am going to get to know better but at least I know I am not alone. I will never be alone. Before I felt that I would never be worth anything to any man. But I now know God has a different plan; we weren't created to live alone. By no means am I ready for anything any time in the future, I have much growing to do spiritually and a lot more healing to do emotionally. But still there is hope one day He will send me the most perfect person for me! I have faith and hope and for now that is all I need. First He has to become my best friend before any man can.
Its weird how much emotionally draining living for yourself and in sin can be. Even now I still struggle with the belief that I am worth it. It is at those points that I force myself to look in the mirror and say "HOW DARE YOU question whether or not the blood Jesus shed on the cross would be able to clean you? He died so that no matter what YOU could have a new and eternal life. HOW DARE YOU say that you , the daughter of the almighty God is worthless! He created YOU. HE made YOU! He obviously thought you were worth it by creating you! HE loves you more than anyone can or ever will." It is a realization that even as I type it it still bring tears to my eyes. But happy and thankful tears! God has forgiven me. The devil LOST! As much as he thought those thought would ruin me, well they did, but God would not let it happen. HE has always had a bigger plan for me.
It's weird how those who were raised in a broken home, like me, feel that there is no one who can replace or refill the whole that growing up caused. In my case my dad not being around. I was stupid because my father had never left. MY heavenly father the one who created me was always there. I let the 'daddy issues' as I call them rule my life. The truth is that they were just an excuse to give my sin. I mean i couldn't blame me because that would mean something was wrong with me. The truth is that it was my fault! I had to make the choice to change. I had to ADMIT that I was wrong. It's actually quite humbling saying that you need to change and you are wring and asking for forgiveness. That is all that God asks us to do. He wants to forgive but you have to be willing to change. It takes more than just a prayer too! You have to live your part. Pray everyday and read your bible. THAT is how HE gets closer to you and you get closer to Him. Without it there is no way you can last. It feeds the Holy Spirit that is living inside you.
All I know is that I am so incredibly thankful that God forgave me! That by His grace I know I am made new and set free. I HAVE BEEN SET FREE.
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