its weird how the whole pondering thing works

It is weird.

I mean just a little over five days ago I thought I was doomed and I was worth nothing. However, the most almighty God forgave ME. ME?! I was sitting there during the alter call and the devil's grasp of my heart was becoming looser and looser as God began to take His child back. For far too long the devil had been feeding lies into my heart but I believed every single one. I thought I would never be worth anything and that I would never be loved or feel love. All I saw was a dirty person that no one would ever want. I would look in the mirror and not know who was in the reflection. Was this what I was doomed to be? A person with a mask. No one knew the real me; I lied to even those who I thought were my best friends. I thought it was better than being alone. The truth is I was NEVER alone. God wouldn't give up on me. My family (in Christ) wouldn't give up on me.

It weird how when God wasn't directing my life, when I wasn't following His plan, that I knew exactly what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. Not anymore. I don't have any idea where my life is headed. Ok, I know of one place that it is for sure to go and that is to heaven to live eternally with Him. But what is His plan for  my life on Earth? For once I am not in control, not that you can count to what I was before as 'in control', but still I feel like I am walking through a dark room with my hands out in front of me itching forward a little at a time for fear that I might stumble. The truth I have to keep telling myself is that God is leading me. I am not blind. He has my hand and knows where he is taking me even if I can't see it yet.

He has a plan, a path. But I had to make the choice to follow it; to follow Him. Because of His Grace I now have a future. I no longer look in the mirror and see nothing I see me. Who that me is I am going to get to know better but at least I know I am not alone. I will never be alone. Before I felt that I would never be worth anything to any man. But I now know God has a different plan; we weren't created to live alone. By no means am I ready for anything any time in the future, I have much growing to do spiritually and a lot more healing to do emotionally. But still there is hope one day He will send me the most perfect person for me! I have faith and hope and for now that is all I need. First He has to become my best friend before any man can.

Its weird how much emotionally draining living for yourself and in sin can be. Even now I still struggle with the belief that I am worth it. It is at those points that I force myself to look in the mirror and say "HOW DARE YOU question whether or not the blood Jesus shed on the cross would be able to clean you? He died so that no matter what YOU could have a new and eternal life. HOW DARE YOU say that you , the daughter of the almighty God is worthless! He created YOU. HE made YOU! He obviously thought you were worth it by creating you! HE loves you more than anyone can or ever will." It is a realization that even as I type it it still bring tears to my eyes. But happy and thankful tears! God has forgiven me. The devil LOST! As much as he thought those thought would ruin me, well they did, but God would not let it happen. HE has always had a bigger plan for me.

It's weird how those who were raised in a broken home, like me, feel that there is no one who can replace or refill the whole that growing up caused. In my case my dad not being around. I was stupid because my father had never left. MY heavenly father the one who created me was always there. I let the 'daddy issues' as I call them rule my life. The truth is that they were just an excuse to give my sin. I mean i couldn't blame me because that would mean something was wrong with me. The truth is that it was my fault! I had to make the choice to change. I had to ADMIT that I was wrong. It's actually quite humbling saying that you need to change and you are wring and asking for forgiveness. That is all that God asks us to do. He wants to forgive but you have to be willing to change. It takes more than just a prayer too! You have to live your part. Pray everyday and read your bible. THAT is how HE gets closer to you and you get closer to Him. Without it there is no way you can last. It feeds the Holy Spirit that is living inside you.

All I know is that I am so incredibly thankful that God forgave me! That by His grace I know I am made new and set free. I HAVE BEEN SET FREE.